Self-care is not selfish! It is about recharging your batteries.
“She was so selfless” was a very common and frequent epitaph used for people at memorials when I was growing up. It seemed a noble goal, but years later I look at it in a different way.
I think is important to care for others; it provides great benefits to our emotional sense of well being. We are better when we help others, whether it be family, friends or strangers. Having managed hundreds of volunteers and volunteered myself I know the joy it provides and how it makes us feel less isolated and more connected to others.
The caretaker personality (and it is a trait more in some than others) has to make sure the balance is there. Are you doing enough self care? Is it hard for you to say no? Is your role with your family, friends, work colleagues to be the “one who gets it done”.
A role can be defined for us in our family growing up, but we do get to examine it and change it, if it no longer works for us.
An examination of a relationship is always important. If I return from a visit with family of friends and feel exhausted, I need to have some reflection on that.
Did I feel unseen, unheard, did the visit bring out my darker self or did I sense tension and a lack of connection?
We need to be with people who help us bring our best self, who are our biggest cheerleaders and who even, if they are not biological family, feel like, as the author Amistead Maupin calls them, our logical family.
As I went on this journey I had to make changes, and most of them happened organically. As I chose to love myself more, and wanted the best for myself I changed the relationships that didn’t fit in with that goal.
Saying ‘yes’ to me proved to be the most enlightening and liberating thing I have done. It takes practice and you may get some backlash; hold tightly to the reins and ride on with the knowledge that this is a journey that benefits not only you, but all your family and friends.
The balance is to take care of ourselves, not in a selfish narcissist way, but in a loving restorative way.
If I have overextended myself (and we have all been there!) and added one more thing, but know it is too much, the “poor me” kicks in. We all know the martyrs who keep on wearing the badge of sainthood whilst complaining about its toll.
If I can say YES with a full heart I know it is the right decision. But if I sense any ambivalence, I give a “Let me think about that and get back to you” response. This gives me an opportunity to think. I ask : Am I am able and willing to do this or does it feel like “another duty on my list”? Whatever I do, I want to turn up with a 100% commitment.
Take the “should do” out of your vocabulary. It serves no-one.
Taking care of yourself is fundamental to your overall health.
It is the way we recharge and move in to the world with the best version of our self. Let the world see that side of you.
You are so worth it.
Thanks for reading.
Christina