And the winner is….
To understand the difference, Kristin Neff, researcher and author, explains ” Self compassion provides the same benefits as high self esteem without its drawbacks”.
As a Brit who grew up in a self deprecating culture, the rise of self promotion in the USA in the nineties did not jar well. I found it hard to listen to people list off their accomplishments, in a way that my upbringing labelled as bragging. As a young woman growing up in the fifties I had been encouraged to be demure and less forthcoming. Any self declaration of achievements seemed to be more of a male trait, a birth right, an entitlement.
When the emphasis on raising self esteem amongst kids seemed to hit its peak, I had a cultural, class and gender resistance to using it as a parenting tool with my son. I could not get my head around the need for self promotion as it seemed to encourage unhealthy competition and judgement amongst parents and kids. I liked humility, I learn more about a person through genuine connection rather than having their accomplishments thrust at me like a resume.
My husband and I encouraged our son to practice Self Compassion to himself and others. A big part of that focused on his mental health, which during the teenage years is easy to overlook, when the focus on grades, being popular and ‘getting ahead’ dominates.
When I read Dr Neff’s book on Self Compassion I knew why I had experienced resistance. Self esteem, she explains, is about the external traits of accomplishment, and it has a down side of narcissism, self absorption, self righteous anger, prejudice and discrimination. And these are not all the traps, according to the author.
Goal setting is a big part of self esteem. And this sets us up for low self esteem and self criticism when a goal is not met.
This is how diet plans are set up and why they fail.
How do we change this?
Take the goal away. The goal mentality say ‘I will lose 20 pounds by my school reunion” but change it to an intention and it becomes “I am going on my journey of wellness and will take actions to support that”.
Phew! I already feel lighter and don’t feel the fear and pressure that the first goal produced.
“I am going on a journey of wellness”… what does that mean?
Healing my relationship with food and my body became my path to wellness.
Shame will knock you down every time and have you running for those cookies. The only way to keep it at bay is to have a practice. This is where my work came in, I immersed myself in a world of Shame Resilience and Self Compassion.
After the strongest most pugilistic opponent left the arena (yep, that was me) the journey became so easy. When I am good to myself, no can knock me down.
I didn’t feel better because of the number on the scale, I felt better because of the journey I took and continue to walk every day.
Self compassion is a process. Not a quick fix and not a goal, but a journey.. for life. I learned it through listening to a wide variety of teachers and practicing it through meditation and my daily writing practice. A therapist can also help with this process.
Self esteem can shift when we gain weight or fall off that pedestal we have been placed because of our accomplishments. But Self Compassion never waivers, never changes whatever our circumstances. An unconditional love. Don’t we all need that?
You are so worth it!
Thanks for reading,
Christina